true life: anxiety girl

Heart-pounding, shortness of breath, head swirling, loss of body control, complete lack of sanity, and a sense of impending doom. In case you've never experienced this sensation (you lucky ducky), this is a panic attack. 

I was recently telling a friend about a specific episode of mine (see madness below) and she was completely mind boggled by the whole experience. She tried to be as supportive as possible but I could tell that part of her thought I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Apparently not everyone has these and it didn't occur to me how completely INSANE I might sound to a non-sufferer. Even as I was laughing about the entire thing (you have to), I could see it in her eyes -- she thinks I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs! 

I have been suffering from these for many years now and while I may laugh at myself afterwards, they still scare the living hell out of me. No amount of research on the subject will help when it hits you because reasoning with the insane person that takes hold of your body is the mental equivalent of wrestling with a rabid grizzly bear! However, I think more people need to be aware of the ugly (and let's face it, sometimes comical) truth behind anxiety and panic disorders. It's not something to be ashamed of or hidden. They are more common than most people will admit and I'm so sick of these sort of things being treated like they are unimportant or misunderstood. We anxiety filled folks need to be able to voice our craziest moments without shame or fear of being written off as deluded.

So I present to you one of my craziest episodes in order for you to better understand what goes through the mind of a friend, family member or colleague who too might suffer from panic attacks. 

Even though it's been four years, I still remember it like it was yesterday. It was a cool, wet spring day in London. I was in the midst of my final semester of grad school - projects, papers, and dissertation prep galore! I was simply trying to pick out something to wear to class when it hit me. My head started spinning, my heart pounding so hard I thought it might actually fly out of my chest. I felt queasy and uncontrollably angry. I don't remember much about the next few minutes aside from ripping all of my clothes from my wardrobe and throwing them wildly around my room. When I calmed down and came to, I was sobbing in the massive pile of clothes that hurricane Bekah had created in a storm of anxiety. I felt empty and exhausted. I just rocked back and forth trying to focus on my breathing and fighting with myself to come back to reality. It's an awful battle with yourself - you know that you are being unreasonable but the panic tries to drown you while you struggle to get to the surface of sanity. Seriously, there's no other way to say it - it's F&*#ing terrifying. 

Of course now, I can look back on that day and laugh at the complete mad woman that I must have looked like in that moment. It's the only way to get through when you have anxiety issues. Laugh at yourself and move on. That is something you will come to understand in time - an attack is temporary, you will survive it, breathing exercises are your friend, and you will have one helluva story when it's all said and done.

And for those of you who are lucky enough to not suffer from anxiety, I hope this helps you understand what it's like for us. Be kind and listen - even if you do secretly think we are all a bunch of nut-jobs!

Peace, Love, & Panic,

Bekah