For those of you reading this who may or may not know, let me refresh your memory on my current situation. I am a jobless, insurance-less, modern day gypsy who spends her days hunting for that elusive job and her nights between the houses of family and a certain special guy. I do a LOT of film watching, book reading, coffee (whiskey/wine/tea) drinking, and fist shaking at the sky. Aside from the obvious fact that a life of unemployment blows big fat donkey balls, let me voice my biggest concern about this situation.
It all boils down to this massive worry: I feel as if my intelligence is fading with each passing day. Without a job or studies to keep my mind freshly sharpened, I feel like my brain is dulling. I know this may sound absurd to those who have never been in this position but for those who have, please say that you can identify with the maddening effect that this is having on me? For a girl who has always been creative, brainy, and pretty quick with the wit; it is terrifying to feel as if you are losing that part of yourself. It has taken me at least five blog attempts to actually post this because I find myself second guessing everything I write now. Hell, I find myself second guessing every bloody thing I think know! It is as if I don't quite trust my mind anymore - like it's out to sabotage me for the lack of use during the past months. While I recognize how mental I might sound right now, you have to realize the pride that I have always taken in intelligence and creativity. I have never been the it girl or the most athletic or talented girl, but I could always hold on to the fact that I was a creative and smart girl (with the exception of a "few" slip ups along the way). So, to feel as if that is disappearing somehow - I don't like it. I don't like it one bit, folks!
I am a worrier (or completely neurotic - Potato, Pot-ah-to) by nature, so these thoughts of doubt are truly weighing me down. I have typically combated my worry with words but lately those have been silenced by it. So for the love of my sanity (and those nearest & dearest to me), let's hope that my writing and my brain return with some bit of wit and intellect about them. Because let's face it, I need something to hold on to and help me survive life as the Unemployed Extraordinaire!
Peace, Love, & Chicken Grease
Beks
