true life: anxiety girl

Heart-pounding, shortness of breath, head swirling, loss of body control, complete lack of sanity, and a sense of impending doom. In case you've never experienced this sensation (you lucky ducky), this is a panic attack. 

I was recently telling a friend about a specific episode of mine (see madness below) and she was completely mind boggled by the whole experience. She tried to be as supportive as possible but I could tell that part of her thought I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Apparently not everyone has these and it didn't occur to me how completely INSANE I might sound to a non-sufferer. Even as I was laughing about the entire thing (you have to), I could see it in her eyes -- she thinks I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs! 

I have been suffering from these for many years now and while I may laugh at myself afterwards, they still scare the living hell out of me. No amount of research on the subject will help when it hits you because reasoning with the insane person that takes hold of your body is the mental equivalent of wrestling with a rabid grizzly bear! However, I think more people need to be aware of the ugly (and let's face it, sometimes comical) truth behind anxiety and panic disorders. It's not something to be ashamed of or hidden. They are more common than most people will admit and I'm so sick of these sort of things being treated like they are unimportant or misunderstood. We anxiety filled folks need to be able to voice our craziest moments without shame or fear of being written off as deluded.

So I present to you one of my craziest episodes in order for you to better understand what goes through the mind of a friend, family member or colleague who too might suffer from panic attacks. 

Even though it's been four years, I still remember it like it was yesterday. It was a cool, wet spring day in London. I was in the midst of my final semester of grad school - projects, papers, and dissertation prep galore! I was simply trying to pick out something to wear to class when it hit me. My head started spinning, my heart pounding so hard I thought it might actually fly out of my chest. I felt queasy and uncontrollably angry. I don't remember much about the next few minutes aside from ripping all of my clothes from my wardrobe and throwing them wildly around my room. When I calmed down and came to, I was sobbing in the massive pile of clothes that hurricane Bekah had created in a storm of anxiety. I felt empty and exhausted. I just rocked back and forth trying to focus on my breathing and fighting with myself to come back to reality. It's an awful battle with yourself - you know that you are being unreasonable but the panic tries to drown you while you struggle to get to the surface of sanity. Seriously, there's no other way to say it - it's F&*#ing terrifying. 

Of course now, I can look back on that day and laugh at the complete mad woman that I must have looked like in that moment. It's the only way to get through when you have anxiety issues. Laugh at yourself and move on. That is something you will come to understand in time - an attack is temporary, you will survive it, breathing exercises are your friend, and you will have one helluva story when it's all said and done.

And for those of you who are lucky enough to not suffer from anxiety, I hope this helps you understand what it's like for us. Be kind and listen - even if you do secretly think we are all a bunch of nut-jobs!

Peace, Love, & Panic,

Bekah

must feed travel monster.

Wanderlust:  A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.

This is one of my favorite words. Probably because it describes how I feel the majority of the time. If I am not off on a trip somewhere, then you can pretty much guarantee that I am dreaming about my next big adventure and plotting out when it will take place. Traveling is ALWAYS on my mind.

It’s a blessing and a curse, this wanderlust. On the one hand, you unearth so much about the world. You experience different cultures, smells, tastes, architecture, colors, religion, landscapes...and through this, you test boundaries and learn so much about yourself. Once you become a traveler, you will never be able to look at the world the same way. It causes an insatiable thirst for knowledge and adventure - you will always want to see and discover more and more.

The downside - finding the time and money for these journeys. It’s frustrating that these sort of silly things get in the way of such a beautiful experience but it’s a reality that we (poor) travelers have to face. I have purposely chosen jobs in my life based on flexibility in order to take off whenever my heart so desired. This is great and all but I still have bills to pay and obligations at home that seriously drain the funds. For example, I’m currently trying to be an “adult” and get myself out of debt (what a freaking bore) and it’s putting a major damper on any contributions to my travel jar. Bummer.

So I find myself in a sort of limbo. I’m not young enough to just spend money that I don’t have and float off without a care in the world anymore because it seems I know too much about the boring facts of adult responsibility (blerrrrrgh). The challenge now is to strike a healthy balance between the two. I’m not tied down to a specific job or obligation which is simply wonderful but the sad fact is, I sort of suck at money management. I’m working on it. Really, I am...but every time I get an email update about another cheap flight or groupon getaway, it takes everything within me to resist the urge to buy ALL the vacations. And the longer I go without a trip, the harder it gets. I am currently going on 6 months since my last flight and I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND, Y’ALL! The travel monster within me must be fed.

So if anyone wants to keep me out of debt and pay me to travel and then write about it, this will solve all of my problems and I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

This is what I look like on travel - SO HAPPY!

Peace, Love, and Travelin',

Bekah

confessions of an Oscaraholic.

I get why people crack on award shows. I really do. They often see a bunch of self-involved celebrities wearing obscenely expensive clothing coming together to pat themselves on the back for making an ungodly amount of money. While I partly agree and completely understand what they are saying, I will always love a good red carpet and award show viewing. Especially my beloved Oscars.

I look forward to it every year. I go through intense preparations for the big day. I try to watch all of the contending Best Picture nominees (and as many of the other categories as possible), as well as reading all of the insider industry picks in order to give my best and most educated predictions. This year I predicted 20/24 correctly, which proves that it’s a real shame I’m not a betting woman.

Now I realize that the Academy doesn’t always nominate what might be the truly BEST films or performances of the year. It’s most often saved for the best performances within the biggest money making films of the year. So many small films with beautiful stories and stunning performances go unrecognized simply because they don’t have someone like the Weinstein company backing them. Is it fair? Certainly not. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be able to enjoy the big performances. I won’t be a film snob. I will never say we have to hate something just because it makes money. That’s not me. I truly adore movies and do not discriminate. I can equally enjoy the quiet beauty of an indie flick and the in your face budget-blowing action of a blockbuster.

So I ask that you don’t judge the award show watchers of the world. We aren’t all mainstream soaked celebrity obsessed airheads. Some of us are intelligent, mainstream AND indie loving entertainment junkies who also happen to love judging celebrities in designer gowns that we will most likely never be able to afford...while posting about it all on Twitter. It’s such good fun to be a loud, proud Oscar fan! 

So in honor of that, I will leave you with MY picks and favorite moments from the night.

And the Bekah goes to...

Best Picture: Her - I fell into the warmest and happiest trance while watching that film. It gave me all the best feels.

Actor in a Leading Role: Leonardo DiCaprio - I stay true to my teenage obsessions and he truly was sensational in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Actress in a Leading Role: Judi Dench - Her portrayal as Philomena got my heartstrings tugging in the all the right places.

Actor in a Supporting Role: Jared Leto - He threw himself into every aspect of that role and blew me away. Plus, that hair…

Actress in a Supporting Role: Lupita Nyong’o - I love a first time winner with raw talent.

Directing: Alfonso Cuarón - Anyone that can make a successful and intriguing film with only one person throughout 85% of the movie deserves some mad props.

Animated Feature: Frozen - Because Let it Go! Let it Gooooooo!

Original Screenplay: Spike Jonze for Her - That script was fresh, tender, and just beautifully written. It made my heart go boom.

Original Score: William Butler and Owen Pallet for Her - Yeah, so I kind of loved everything about that film.

Original Song: Let it Go by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez - I mean, come on. Idina and the fact that it just makes you belt it out with pure joy is reason enough for me.

Costume Design: Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby - The wardrobe for that film was drool worthy. Baz’s wife nailed it!

My Best Favorites:

Ellen Degeneres. Everything she did - Glinda the Good Witching herself, ordering pizza for the starving actors, the most beautiful (and retweeted) selfie seen round the world, just ALL of it. She can do no wrong in my eyes. She’s funny without being cruel and she’s silly. I like silliness.

Lupito Nyong’o looking flawless while giving the most genuine, eloquent, and inspiring speech of the night. She’s pure class and talent.

Jared Leto making all the humans melt into a puddle of lust.

The acceptance speech that the songwriters for Let It Go gave was pure quirk and cute overload. I want to be their friend.

Pharrell’s performance made the world a happier place.

And lastly, I leave you with these hilariously true words spoken just before announcing the Best Screenplay category:

“The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing. Isolated, neurotic, caffeine-addled, crippled by procrastination and consumed by feelings of panic, self-loathing and soul-crushing inadequacy. And that’s on a good day.”

Peace, Love, & Popcorn,

Bekah