For those of you reading this who may or may not know, let me refresh your memory on my current situation. I am a jobless, insurance-less, modern day gypsy who spends her days hunting for that elusive job and her nights between the houses of family and a certain special guy. I do a LOT of film watching, book reading, coffee (whiskey/wine/tea) drinking, and fist shaking at the sky. Aside from the obvious fact that a life of unemployment blows big fat donkey balls, let me voice my biggest concern about this situation.
It all boils down to this massive worry: I feel as if my intelligence is fading with each passing day. Without a job or studies to keep my mind freshly sharpened, I feel like my brain is dulling. I know this may sound absurd to those who have never been in this position but for those who have, please say that you can identify with the maddening effect that this is having on me? For a girl who has always been creative, brainy, and pretty quick with the wit; it is terrifying to feel as if you are losing that part of yourself. It has taken me at least five blog attempts to actually post this because I find myself second guessing everything I write now. Hell, I find myself second guessing every bloody thing I think know! It is as if I don't quite trust my mind anymore - like it's out to sabotage me for the lack of use during the past months. While I recognize how mental I might sound right now, you have to realize the pride that I have always taken in intelligence and creativity. I have never been the it girl or the most athletic or talented girl, but I could always hold on to the fact that I was a creative and smart girl (with the exception of a "few" slip ups along the way). So, to feel as if that is disappearing somehow - I don't like it. I don't like it one bit, folks!
I am a worrier (or completely neurotic - Potato, Pot-ah-to) by nature, so these thoughts of doubt are truly weighing me down. I have typically combated my worry with words but lately those have been silenced by it. So for the love of my sanity (and those nearest & dearest to me), let's hope that my writing and my brain return with some bit of wit and intellect about them. Because let's face it, I need something to hold on to and help me survive life as the Unemployed Extraordinaire!
Peace, Love, & Chicken Grease
Beks
I can totally relate- as I have told you- to EVERY sentiment you expressed here- [as someone who has been "vs. the Job Market" for a couple of years now, is not eligible for the PhD program, etc]. But the fact of the matter is, we are no less smart today than we were before. We are just becoming a different kind of smart. I have definitely began "earning my stripes" in terms of learning to be patient, finding new hobbies and pursuits, and considering new options for myself, etc. But, as we discussed last night- in the times and situations where I appear to know the least, people come to me for advice and counsel. So if nothing else, you and I are learning how to be tough, how to enjoy what we have, and how to better relate to others. I have fingers and toes crossed, and prayers said, that 2011 will be our year. Cheers, darlin'. xx
ReplyDeleteI love..sincerely. I am sort of in the same boat even though I am employed. I know that totally seems like a thin girl saying, "but I have fat ankles." so let me explain. I have a completely mindless job (where I might as well be on an assembly line). I feel the same way about my once creative hardworking spirit. I hate my job and have no competetive spirit within my "field" so I guess its 6 on one hand, half dozen in the other. Complacency is a bitch.
ReplyDeleteTo you my dear Beth, your optimism and silver-lining approach to the situation is much needed. I must work at that whole "embracing what we are learning about ourselves and how we are growing in different ways during times of struggle" thing. You are always my little ray of sunshine when the clouds roll in and I am truly grateful for that.
ReplyDeleteTo my fellow sass-monster, Kimmie, I have been in that very same spot as well and completely agree - it feels equally as disheartening and frustrating when it comes to the creative spirit.
Thanks for the encouragement and fellow bitching. It's a crappy boat we're all in but I'm grateful to have such good company while we try and stay afloat.