true life: anxiety girl

Heart-pounding, shortness of breath, head swirling, loss of body control, complete lack of sanity, and a sense of impending doom. In case you've never experienced this sensation (you lucky ducky), this is a panic attack. 

I was recently telling a friend about a specific episode of mine (see madness below) and she was completely mind boggled by the whole experience. She tried to be as supportive as possible but I could tell that part of her thought I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Apparently not everyone has these and it didn't occur to me how completely INSANE I might sound to a non-sufferer. Even as I was laughing about the entire thing (you have to), I could see it in her eyes -- she thinks I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs! 

I have been suffering from these for many years now and while I may laugh at myself afterwards, they still scare the living hell out of me. No amount of research on the subject will help when it hits you because reasoning with the insane person that takes hold of your body is the mental equivalent of wrestling with a rabid grizzly bear! However, I think more people need to be aware of the ugly (and let's face it, sometimes comical) truth behind anxiety and panic disorders. It's not something to be ashamed of or hidden. They are more common than most people will admit and I'm so sick of these sort of things being treated like they are unimportant or misunderstood. We anxiety filled folks need to be able to voice our craziest moments without shame or fear of being written off as deluded.

So I present to you one of my craziest episodes in order for you to better understand what goes through the mind of a friend, family member or colleague who too might suffer from panic attacks. 

Even though it's been four years, I still remember it like it was yesterday. It was a cool, wet spring day in London. I was in the midst of my final semester of grad school - projects, papers, and dissertation prep galore! I was simply trying to pick out something to wear to class when it hit me. My head started spinning, my heart pounding so hard I thought it might actually fly out of my chest. I felt queasy and uncontrollably angry. I don't remember much about the next few minutes aside from ripping all of my clothes from my wardrobe and throwing them wildly around my room. When I calmed down and came to, I was sobbing in the massive pile of clothes that hurricane Bekah had created in a storm of anxiety. I felt empty and exhausted. I just rocked back and forth trying to focus on my breathing and fighting with myself to come back to reality. It's an awful battle with yourself - you know that you are being unreasonable but the panic tries to drown you while you struggle to get to the surface of sanity. Seriously, there's no other way to say it - it's F&*#ing terrifying. 

Of course now, I can look back on that day and laugh at the complete mad woman that I must have looked like in that moment. It's the only way to get through when you have anxiety issues. Laugh at yourself and move on. That is something you will come to understand in time - an attack is temporary, you will survive it, breathing exercises are your friend, and you will have one helluva story when it's all said and done.

And for those of you who are lucky enough to not suffer from anxiety, I hope this helps you understand what it's like for us. Be kind and listen - even if you do secretly think we are all a bunch of nut-jobs!

Peace, Love, & Panic,

Bekah

must feed travel monster.

Wanderlust:  A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.

This is one of my favorite words. Probably because it describes how I feel the majority of the time. If I am not off on a trip somewhere, then you can pretty much guarantee that I am dreaming about my next big adventure and plotting out when it will take place. Traveling is ALWAYS on my mind.

It’s a blessing and a curse, this wanderlust. On the one hand, you unearth so much about the world. You experience different cultures, smells, tastes, architecture, colors, religion, landscapes...and through this, you test boundaries and learn so much about yourself. Once you become a traveler, you will never be able to look at the world the same way. It causes an insatiable thirst for knowledge and adventure - you will always want to see and discover more and more.

The downside - finding the time and money for these journeys. It’s frustrating that these sort of silly things get in the way of such a beautiful experience but it’s a reality that we (poor) travelers have to face. I have purposely chosen jobs in my life based on flexibility in order to take off whenever my heart so desired. This is great and all but I still have bills to pay and obligations at home that seriously drain the funds. For example, I’m currently trying to be an “adult” and get myself out of debt (what a freaking bore) and it’s putting a major damper on any contributions to my travel jar. Bummer.

So I find myself in a sort of limbo. I’m not young enough to just spend money that I don’t have and float off without a care in the world anymore because it seems I know too much about the boring facts of adult responsibility (blerrrrrgh). The challenge now is to strike a healthy balance between the two. I’m not tied down to a specific job or obligation which is simply wonderful but the sad fact is, I sort of suck at money management. I’m working on it. Really, I am...but every time I get an email update about another cheap flight or groupon getaway, it takes everything within me to resist the urge to buy ALL the vacations. And the longer I go without a trip, the harder it gets. I am currently going on 6 months since my last flight and I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND, Y’ALL! The travel monster within me must be fed.

So if anyone wants to keep me out of debt and pay me to travel and then write about it, this will solve all of my problems and I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

This is what I look like on travel - SO HAPPY!

Peace, Love, and Travelin',

Bekah

confessions of an Oscaraholic.

I get why people crack on award shows. I really do. They often see a bunch of self-involved celebrities wearing obscenely expensive clothing coming together to pat themselves on the back for making an ungodly amount of money. While I partly agree and completely understand what they are saying, I will always love a good red carpet and award show viewing. Especially my beloved Oscars.

I look forward to it every year. I go through intense preparations for the big day. I try to watch all of the contending Best Picture nominees (and as many of the other categories as possible), as well as reading all of the insider industry picks in order to give my best and most educated predictions. This year I predicted 20/24 correctly, which proves that it’s a real shame I’m not a betting woman.

Now I realize that the Academy doesn’t always nominate what might be the truly BEST films or performances of the year. It’s most often saved for the best performances within the biggest money making films of the year. So many small films with beautiful stories and stunning performances go unrecognized simply because they don’t have someone like the Weinstein company backing them. Is it fair? Certainly not. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be able to enjoy the big performances. I won’t be a film snob. I will never say we have to hate something just because it makes money. That’s not me. I truly adore movies and do not discriminate. I can equally enjoy the quiet beauty of an indie flick and the in your face budget-blowing action of a blockbuster.

So I ask that you don’t judge the award show watchers of the world. We aren’t all mainstream soaked celebrity obsessed airheads. Some of us are intelligent, mainstream AND indie loving entertainment junkies who also happen to love judging celebrities in designer gowns that we will most likely never be able to afford...while posting about it all on Twitter. It’s such good fun to be a loud, proud Oscar fan! 

So in honor of that, I will leave you with MY picks and favorite moments from the night.

And the Bekah goes to...

Best Picture: Her - I fell into the warmest and happiest trance while watching that film. It gave me all the best feels.

Actor in a Leading Role: Leonardo DiCaprio - I stay true to my teenage obsessions and he truly was sensational in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Actress in a Leading Role: Judi Dench - Her portrayal as Philomena got my heartstrings tugging in the all the right places.

Actor in a Supporting Role: Jared Leto - He threw himself into every aspect of that role and blew me away. Plus, that hair…

Actress in a Supporting Role: Lupita Nyong’o - I love a first time winner with raw talent.

Directing: Alfonso Cuarón - Anyone that can make a successful and intriguing film with only one person throughout 85% of the movie deserves some mad props.

Animated Feature: Frozen - Because Let it Go! Let it Gooooooo!

Original Screenplay: Spike Jonze for Her - That script was fresh, tender, and just beautifully written. It made my heart go boom.

Original Score: William Butler and Owen Pallet for Her - Yeah, so I kind of loved everything about that film.

Original Song: Let it Go by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez - I mean, come on. Idina and the fact that it just makes you belt it out with pure joy is reason enough for me.

Costume Design: Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby - The wardrobe for that film was drool worthy. Baz’s wife nailed it!

My Best Favorites:

Ellen Degeneres. Everything she did - Glinda the Good Witching herself, ordering pizza for the starving actors, the most beautiful (and retweeted) selfie seen round the world, just ALL of it. She can do no wrong in my eyes. She’s funny without being cruel and she’s silly. I like silliness.

Lupito Nyong’o looking flawless while giving the most genuine, eloquent, and inspiring speech of the night. She’s pure class and talent.

Jared Leto making all the humans melt into a puddle of lust.

The acceptance speech that the songwriters for Let It Go gave was pure quirk and cute overload. I want to be their friend.

Pharrell’s performance made the world a happier place.

And lastly, I leave you with these hilariously true words spoken just before announcing the Best Screenplay category:

“The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing. Isolated, neurotic, caffeine-addled, crippled by procrastination and consumed by feelings of panic, self-loathing and soul-crushing inadequacy. And that’s on a good day.”

Peace, Love, & Popcorn,

Bekah

my religion is love.

“Turn the Gays Away”. Every time I read this phrase in a new article about another state trying to implement this as law, my emotions overflow with anger and sadness. I highly doubt that any of them will actually get pushed through but the fact that they even exist is bad enough. But what truly disgusts me about these proposed laws...they are being created on the basis of religion.

I grew up Christian. My family wasn’t exactly knocking down the church doors every time they were open but I have a solid religious foundation. What I remember most are the messages of love. As a child, I always thought about what a cool guy Jesus must have been and how much I admired his love for ALL people. My favorite song to sing at VBS (Vacation Bible School for those not in the know) was Jesus Loves the Little Children.

Jesus loves the little children,

All the children of the world.

Red and yellow, black and white,

All are precious in His sight,

Jesus loves the little children of the world.

Jesus didn’t discriminate against ANYONE. Not because of race, religion, or sexual orientation. He poured out love. He didn’t turn anyone away. He was peaceful, caring, and generous.

So I need someone to explain to me how a person living a so-called Christian life justifies turning another person away simply because of who they love. We are born who we are and to love who we love. I happen to be born a woman who loves a truly great man but what if I wasn’t? Would that make many any less deserving of the same love and opportunities as anyone else? Or in the case of this law, should it stop me from spending my money at the same establishment as anyone else just because of my sexual orientation? I’m gonna go with a big, fat NO and based on what I know about Jesus and his teachings, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he would agree with me. If Jesus were a business owner, I think he would welcome me in with open arms. Gay or straight.

Now, I’m not an active church member anymore. Perhaps it’s because I see more messages of judgement and condemnation coming out of them, rather than love these days. In the words of Gandhi (or so the internet says), “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for my religious foundation and the example of love and acceptance that I learned from my family. I’m still very spiritual and have great faith but I can’t identify myself with what the majority of Christian churches in this country (and particularly here in the south) represent these days. Especially when it comes to the gay rights movement. I want to see everyone dear to me be able to experience the same opportunities that I am fortunate to have in my life.

I realize this is a very touchy subject for many people but I don’t want to sit back and be on the wrong side of history. I will now and forever choose Love.


Peace, LOVE, & Equality,

Bekah

hey self, let's get it together.

Y’all, my darling boyfriend recently sent me the greatest article with a wonderful little writing exercise. 

The entire focus of it was to answer questions about yourself in order to help hone in on what you might want to do with your life. He sent it to me after I had a teeny weeny freak out involving my struggles to focus and my fears of being lost in my career goals (which sadly seems to be a fairly regular occurrence). I rambled on and on about things that I enjoyed and dreamed of doing but often felt overwhelmed by the process of where to even begin. I’m aware that I a smart, capable woman with many talents and loads of creative ideas. What I struggle with is how to harness those qualities and turn them into a career that I will enjoy.

When I started the article, what I instantly loved about it was the idea that you should first think about the fundamentals of happiness and purpose before you start worrying about your chosen career. Whether you realize it or not, our society has caused us to feel inadequate if we don’t have a sound response to the default question that everyone asks when they first meet you - “So...what do you do?”

I honestly loathe that question. Mainly because there is so much more to any of us than our current job position (except for you freaks that eat, sleep, and breath your profession -- way to make the rest of us look bad). I’m not ashamed of being a server but do I wake up everyday thrilled to put on a big ole smile and bring (often ungrateful and rude) strangers food and drinks? Hell no. However, I’m good at it, it CAN be fun, and it pays the bills while being ultra flexible. That flexibility...well, it really comes in handy for a girl with extreme wanderlust, an aversion to desk jobs, and a creative spirit just waiting to be tapped.

If I give this answer, people are often quick to judge and write me off as a slacker when they hear that I’m a 30 year old server. [Mind you, I immediately imagine whacking anyone who thinks like that upside the head followed by a swift kick in the ass.] It’s absurd and completely unjustified BUT it happens...and it infuriates me. I’m not just a server but even if I was, who gives a flying whoop?! I like to imagine a world in which I’m introduced to someone and they ask me something like “what makes you happy?” or “what sort of things are you into”? Because I could ramble off a lot of really interesting and exciting answers to that question!

This article not only made me think about our society's fixation on defining ourselves by careers, but through answering the questions honestly, it made me face some not so charming truths about myself too (waaaaaah). The good, the bad, and the ugly. The process of free writing without any second guessing will really tell you a lot about yourself - and then it’s documented for you to face head on.

I discovered that while I might sometimes envy folks with a set and driven career goal, I am not one them...and that’s okay. A one-track mind amazes me. I have spent many years beating myself up for not having a specific chosen career. In true Gummi Bear fashion, I have bounced here, there, and everywhere on the job spectrum. I have always been a “jack of all trades, master of none” type and felt because of this that I was failing in some way. Of course, I now realize that this is absolute nonsense. I should recognize my love for dabbling as a strength, rather than a weakness. I should be thankful that I am well rounded and curious about trying new things -- that I thrive on exploring and testing my limits.

I think the key to succeeding with this sort of personality is all in the follow through (which to be quite honest...I’ve kind of sucked at thus far in life). Having faced this fact, it now leaves room for me to grow and improve. I don’t need to feel ashamed or pressured that I haven’t chosen a specific career path, but I DO need to focus on finishing the projects that I start. Otherwise, all of my creative potential is just being wasted.

I need to throw my fears away. I can’t be scared of failure because if I am trying, I am succeeding (or so “they” say). Dreaming will always inspire and push me forward but only with action will I know my true potential. So if I'm going to write my film script, I need to really buckle down and WRITE it. If I want to start my own business, I need to research my options and make it happen. If I want to win the lottery and travel the world, I need to BUY a damn lottery ticket! Whatever direction my random heart takes me, I have to quit being a whiny little bitch with a ton of excuses and start actually DOING something.

I may be terrified of failing but I’m even more terrified of doing nothing. So this blog is my way of holding myself accountable. You’ve all read it and now I have to take action. Who knows which project will get finished first but I’m vowing to finish SOMETHING.

So stay on me, friends. Ask me about my projects or where my blogs are whenever you get the chance. Give me tough love. I don’t like feeling disappointed in myself, so I need you to shame me into being productive.

I know that might sound strange but whatever works, right?


Peace, Love, & Chicken Grease,

Bekah


OH! If anyone is interested in reading the article that inspired this post, here's the link:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/01/30/answering-the-question-what-should-i-do-with-my-life/

(almost) thirty, wordy, and (still) nerdy.

I’m turning the big 3-0 in just over three weeks and people keep asking me how I’m handling it? It never fails that when I give them a perky response that I’m excited about it, they immediately do the bewildered head tilt - like they think that I’m putting on some sort of show. According to these people I’m supposed to be going through some sort of major emotional breakdown where anytime someone mentions the dirty word thirty, I break down into tears, start pulling out my hair, and shake my fists at the sky screaming “Why, God, WHY?!” This particularly happens with older generations or people who think that I should be settled in a career, own a house, and at LEAST have plans to get married and have a child like yesterday! Well I’ve got news for them -- times are a changin’.

Coming from a small rural town here in the south, I was in the minority most of my life. I knew I was different because I didn’t think like most everyone else there but managed to make the most of it and flourished during my youth. It was almost like living in one of those bubble worlds where no new information gets in and everyone is supposed to think and act the exact same way or accept their fate as the outcast. Sure, small town folk put on a smile and don’t usually berate you (to your face) but you can always count on some whispers and judgment followed by a “bless their heart” if anyone steps outside of the normal boundaries. Needless to say, as a young independent woman with a bleeding heart, big dreams, and different world views, it was a frustrating place to be. Don’t get me wrong, I love where I grew up and it helped shape me into the woman I am today. I learned so much about community, friendship, and finding beauty in the simple things. I still keep in touch with and love so many people there who do AND don’t think like me. Most of my friends are now married and on their second or third child and I love them all to pieces. But that was not my destiny and I knew it. I knew that there was something different for me and I needed to get out, explore the world, and see how others lived and thought. Different strokes for different folks, y’all!

My friends in other parts of the world always found this way of life interesting (and in their eyes, outdated) because they have already forged ahead into this brave new world where independence, free thinking, traveling, exploring, and experiencing some serious emotional breakdowns in their 20’s (and for the late bloomers, the 30’s) is the norm. These years are usually spent making all sorts of equally wonderful and terrible decisions that they will hopefully learn from and eventually grow into the person that they were intended to be [Mind you, no one knows any of this while it is actually happening. You are just living freely and having a blast or scrambling to figure yourself out and eventually resolving that it will NEVER happen during your deep, dark moments]. Sometimes it takes less time, sometimes it takes more. For me, my “growth spurt” came during my mid 20’s -- I was the poster child for Quarter-Life Crisis. Anyone who was close to me during these years witnessed some intense and extreme versions of Bekah. I made rash emotional decisions about EVERYTHING. Some led me to beautiful, life changing experiences. Others led me to crying into a bottle of wine (or 3) and stuffing my face with packs of cheetos and chocolate, which usually led to me curled up in the fetal position while rocking back and forth mumbling on my floor. I traveled, loved, won some, lost a lot, and learned a helluva lot about life and myself. In the words of Charles Dickens, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” 

I came through it all a stronger and a more self-aware version of myself. Even if I made some of the dumbest decisions of my life during those years, I am not ashamed of but thankful for them. It was the rainstorm I had to weather to be able to see and appreciate the rainbow. I fully recognize that my particular path (for lack of a better word) isn’t for everyone but that is the beautiful thing about this life -- everyone’s journey is different. Some people’s stories may be full of glamour and bold adventure. Other people’s stories may be about the small and quiet moments and struggles. Either way, they are beautiful and unique stories. 

So yes, I am hurtling toward this big milestone and I feel wonderful about it. I am right where I want to be and where I’m fairly certain I am meant to be [I went with fairly certain because let’s face it, I don’t want to jinx all of this happiness]. My early to mid 20’s were full of growing pains but they were also full of interesting people, places, and experiences. They led me to a wiser, more confident, and beautiful place full of love and opportunities. Sure my body hurts more now, I make outdated pop culture references, I can't stay up as late [Seriously. What's up with all of that?! My knee should not be giving out on me, I thought everyone knew what Pogs were, and midnight is like 5AM now!]...and I may not know what’s next but I am looking forward to it. So bring it on, 30 -- let’s thrive together! 

Peace, Love, & Thirty,

Bekah the (almost) Birthday Girl

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - E.E. Cummings

guess who's back, back again - Bekah's back, tell a friend!

Holy Hell, y'all! It's been a long while since we last met on this blog. I would apologize for the hiatus but I was in desperate need of a break after all of the academic writing I had to do during grad school. I was burnt out and directionless in my writing. There have been moments over the past two years where I had potential blog ideas but lacked the desire to actually sit down at the computer and hammer them out (not to mention, the tiny issue of Mabel the Mac needing a brain transplant). It's been an interesting and beautiful two years away from here filled with love, laughter, travel, and a lot of questions about the direction of my "career". I now come back to blogging with clear and exciting answers to these questions - as well as a creative rejuvenation and love for the written word.

What was the catalyst for this new found inspiration, you ask? Over the last year, I had noticed a bit of a hole in my life despite all of the amazing people and moments in it. The more the idea of writing popped into my head, the more it became glaringly obvious what was missing. The problem I faced then was in what direction did I want to take my writing? Did I want to continue blogging and journaling for a hobby and a creative outlet or did I really want to dig deep and face what I’ve been yearning for, yet scared of all along...writing as a career. [Aaahhh! Yay! Eeek! WHOA!] So often we are scared of the things that we most want and those are the things that lead to one of my least favorite words in this world - regret. I’ve always prided myself on pushing my own boundaries and living a life with no regrets and if I didn’t take this next step with my writing because I was afraid of failure, I would be living a lie. The question still plagued me...what was I going to write? It wasn't until my friend, Meghan and I were inspired by a visit to the historical society museum in my hometown - we kept going on and on about what an amazing stories there were to tell. Months later a brilliant and unexpected idea was born over fire and boozin’ - we decided to write a screenplay [proof that alcohol can sometimes really inspire and help you make great life decisions].

This wasn’t shocking news to those closest to me. As a matter of fact, it made perfect sense to them (and myself, once I really thought about it). My boyfriend quickly reminded me that during our very first conversation together, I gushed on and on about my love of film, writing, and desire to eventually write a screenplay. I had said it out loud to someone else and knew then that it was coming from the deepest and truest part of my heart -- and let’s be honest, it’s been a long time coming. I have been a writer, dreamer, and film lover since my childhood. There’s nothing like the thrill of putting pen to paper or the sound of fingers tapping away at a keyboard to bring life to a story. I spent many years trying on different hats but have resolved that writing should be my top hat. No more excuses...it was time to start making my dreams of becoming a screenwriter a reality.

So Meghan and I started plowing away on it! We knew we wanted to focus on a specific historical time period at the Highlander Folk School [I won’t go into it too much because quite frankly, it would ruin the movie and we will be counting on you to spend yo dollas to see it. However, feel free to google away because it is rich in history and is still rockin’ on today.], which meant we had beaucoups of research to do before forming into the perfect story. During our research, fate intervened.

We noticed that Highlander (Research and Education Center) would be holding their very first Screenwriting Workshop with none other than Robert Ben Garant. If you aren’t familiar with Ben, he’s a Hollywood screenwriter, former writer/star of Reno 911 (Travis Jr.!), AND also the great nephew of the Highlander Folk School founder, Myles Horton. I mean, C’MON people -- the stars were aligning for us! Fate then decided to give us scholarships for the workshop, so we packed our pens, paper, and enthusiasm as we headed to the middle of nowhere in east Tennessee (beautiful green hills, mountains, and farmland for DAYS).

Y’all, it was a workshop wonderland! Inspiring. Creatively exhilarating. Educational. Entertaining. Hopeful. Happy. Thought-provoking. And above all, life-changing! We met some wonderful and interesting people that challenged and delighted me along the way. The food there was seriously scrumptious. The conversations were incredibly interesting, fun, and encouranging. We were so incredibly fortunate to be able to meet and chat with the real life leading lady in our film -- So yeah, that was pretty much amazing! Then there was Ben. He taught, nurtured, encouraged, energized, and directed us. He’s a truly funny and warm guy and I will be forever grateful for his kindness, advice, and for presenting us with the opportunity of a lifetime [note: I’m not just talking about any kind of opportunity. I’m talking about the crazy awesome, out-of-this-world, dream kind where he vowed to help us MAKE this film. Yeah...you read that right. Holy! Shiz! *still jumping up and down with insane amounts of excitement and disbelief*]. We honestly learned more than I could have ever hoped and finally started to realize that this film was REALLY going to happen. Talk about exceeding my expectations in every possible way!

Now begins the real work. We are in full research mode -- reading all that we can get our hands on, watching films, setting up interviews, reading other scripts, and jotting down inspiration for scenes and ideas by the boat loads! Even though there are moments when it seems terrifying and daunting, it will never outshine how alive I feel and comfortable I am with this new adventure.

So I guess I can actually say it now. I finally know that I am right where I was meant to be - I’m an aspiring screenwriter.

Peace Love and Movie Magic,

Bekah